To use: Please click on the questions you’d like to read the answer to and the answer will drop down below
Read these on the go! Download a convenient PDF file of all these FAQs.
How do I effectively date long distance?
I’m going on a date I’m not excited about – can I cancel it?
Yes, of course you can cancel a date! Be sure to communicate with the person with full integrity. Your time is yours and if the person is not for you, you are giving him or her a gift by cancelling.
You can say: “Joe, I know we have a date set up for tomorrow, but after reflecting more fully on our interactions, it’s become clear to me that some very important things don’t line up for me, so I’m going to cancel our date and wish you all the best on your journey.” If he argues or tries to change your mind, let him know you are clear and your mind is made up. And because you value him and his time, you don’t want to waste his or yours. Don’t get sucked in by the “musts,” obligations and people-pleasing. It’s your life and your time, and you’re an adult – follow you heart and intuition.
Where can I get photos for my online dating profile?
“Look Better Online” gives Meet to Marry members a $40 discount. They specialize in creating effective dating profile photos. They use a network of photographers that know how to coach you for your shoot so you get great photos.
Go to: http://lookbetteronline.com/
And use promo code “bari” to get your Meet to Marry discount!
What would you ask a man in his fifties who has never been married about the fact that he hasn’t married by now.
I have connected with a woman over email and phone and we have chemistry and shared values. We’re meeting tomorrow for our first date. However, she’s only been out of her two-year relationship for three months and said she’s “ultimately looking for a long-term partner” but that she’s “only looking for a connection to see where it leads now.” Do you think that’s a red flag? Should I ask her to clarify her vision, or would that be coming on too strong?
I’m traveling to NYC for a few days. I’ve been dating someone there, but I’m not sure how I feel about him. There’s a great singles event happening while I’m in town. I only have a few nights free. Do I spend them with this guy or not put all my eggs in one basket and go to the singles event?
I’d recommend mixing it up, but at the same time, get clear. It sounds like he looks good on paper. Is he really into you? When you’re “dating” someone for more than a date or two, you should be pretty excited to see the person. If not, I’d focus on getting clear about either leaning in to date seriously to see if he’s the one, or moving on. When it’s right, you know and you both feel excited about it and there are no “shoulds.” If you don’t feel like he’s the one for any reason, move on! And, I’ve had clients who are now married, but they almost rejected the person they are now married to out of fear (their blind spot – maybe there’s someone better, etc.). So, ask yourself the questions: 1) Am I attracted to him? 2) Do I like his personality (how does it feel, are you inspired). 3) Do we share the same vision, values and goals?
If yes, great! And if you’re just not feeling it, that’s great too. I met a lot of really terrific people after my transformation, but I didn’t answer yes to those 3 questions. There was nothing wrong with them, but there were things about lifestyle or worldview that didn’t line up or I wasn’t inspired. For example, I envisioned having a husband who would work with me in life and business, and someone who would be “cool” yet sensitive. And one ordinary day, my husband in cowboy boots, baggy pants and long, curly hair, who was warm and wonderful, stepped into my life. And he was late! And it flowed and we saw a life together, and nothing was perfect, but we were perfect for each other. So I’m happy to help you come to a conclusion if you’d like to talk it through. Sometimes someone is really, really great, but not great for you. And sometimes the person really is great, but we have fear of saying yes. When you do choose, you want to lean in fully.
Do we continue to spend time with members of the same gender only, as we learned in the first part of the course, as long as we have not found our match?
I’m not feeling that a man I’m dating long distance is in same space as I am. We had a great time for the two long weekends, but he tends to disappear. We had a really nice phone call, then I haven’t heard from him except via silly texts, and he doesn’t ask how I am. Last time we talked, we discussed me coming back to Los Angeles for another weekend. Inconsistent behavior from a man is hurtful to me. Besides moving on, should I call or text him, or just let it be? I’m uncomfortable even having a conversation after thinking we were closer.
Unfortunately, it is what it is. He’s at the stage where he’s at and his actions are telling you that he can’t give more. He’s simply not where you are. You’re feeling lost and wounded because your blind spot is “I’m not important.” You know it intellectually and now you really need to nurture yourself and don’t make yourself wrong. Be clear with him. You told him what you need, how being together could enhance both of your lives, and now he needs to step up. If he’s not, he’s not. Get super clear that he can’t and doesn’t meet your emotional needs of feeling safe and connected. Here you are totally free, mobile, available and not tied down. You can go anywhere and do anything. You are unencumbered and willing to be a step mom. He is encumbered and isn’t ready for partnership. So yes, truly move on. Find a man who will make you feel important – they are out there! I’d communicate about how this makes you feel, and what you’re up for and what you’re not, and close that door. If he’s ever ready, he should call you and you’ll be all in. You know your position – you’re looking for a real partner who is available now. He seems not to be, and that’s okay. Go for what you want. Search in Los Angeles, New York and any other place you’d consider. The hidden gems are out there!
Focus your energy on new dates and new people who are ready. If he calls you, fine, and your position is that you’re ready – you feel a great connection, that you’re alike, etc., and should he choose to make space in his life for the most amazing woman he’ll ever meet, you’d love to hear from him. Until then, detach from him. See that he’d reinforce your blind spot. Find a guy whose kids are grown and can travel with you (as an example) or a guy who clearly communicates that he’s looking for his wife and a great step mom for his kids. People tell you exactly what’s up and he was totally clear in actions and words. I’m certain you can find your best friend and partner by meeting a lot of people.
I feel like I’ve contacted every man on JDate within a reasonable distance and no one has shown interest! Should I take a break from JDate?
No, expand your reach by one geographic region at a time – you’ll be surprised how many people are willing to relocate or are in the process of moving to your area. I wouldn’t take a break – I’d keep an eye on new people, and expand your search. What are you searching on? Sometimes people use search parameters that are too narrow and it seems like you’ve reached out to everyone, but you really haven’t. It was only when I opened up my search that I met Michael. I was having a great time meeting a lot of people and going on a lot of first dates. Success is a mindset. It’s a combination of going to events, trying different dating sites, and being open and clear about your vision – that’s a recipe for success.
Since starting Dating Camp, I feel myself regressing into my old fears. How do I power through? How do I regain my passion and excitement about dating and finding love?
It takes stretching that muscle of courage and stepping into your big vision. If you’re fearful and not excited, it’s because your Old Story is alive and well and your inner child is running the fear show. What is there to be afraid of? Do you need “fear” to protect you from something? Fear tries to protect you – like when a lion is chasing you. But is that happening now? I recommend getting back to basics: The Mirror Exercise, reading your New Empowering Statement and a lot of Challenging Your Thinking.
I went out with two nice men two times each, and they’ve both disappeared. I know I must move on, but the experience made me feel insecure.
I’m sorry you’re feeling insecure. I see it this way: Yay! You get to move on and find your one. Woo-hoo! Has anything changed about how awesome you are? How ready you are? Dating in an inspired way is about being in the driver’s seat and choosing if you want to go out a second time after meeting someone. You don’t want to go on a lot of second dates! You’re looking for the one. And if you do go out a second time, you don’t want to be attached. You’re just learning about what the other person is about and if it’s a fit. Nothing else. You want to create a situation for yourself where you have a full pipeline and without attachment to each person – rather, be committed to your vision.
Remember, this isn’t about just going out to have a nice time with nice people. This is asking how you feel when you’re with someone, if you’re attracted to them and if you share vision, values or goals. If not – Next! If they disappeared, it wasn’t real to them and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. You’re just getting your feet wet. Get back to basics. Get complete, get committed to your vision, do a Challenging Your Thinking exercise to understand what you’re telling yourself about why they disappeared, etc. Keep going! You’ve only just begun and one ordinary day… you’ll meet your one.
When do I tell someone that my fertility is really good? Having kids isn’t something I’m willing to negotiate or wait for. I’ve found that men who really want kids do consider age, so when and where do I bring up this information so that a man who wants kids doesn’t pass over me because of my age?
You allow things to unfold in the conversation. And when children come up you share your vision and your situation. It could be a very natural conversation. It’s not about compromising what you want. It’s about finding someone with whom things line up. A person won’t be marrying you for your “egg quality,” they’ll be marrying you for you! And you’ll both share a vision for children and go from there. You share what you’re about and your vision for an amazing husband, family and children. Then, in a very healthy and natural way, you ask the person about their vision and see what they say. LISTEN carefully. If they are about that too, then you can organically share that since it’s so important to you, you took action and froze some eggs – so you’re covered when you find “the one.” However, with that being said, I don’t believe you need to “sell” your youth or try to convince someone that your chronological age is not your chronological age, because it is, for everyone. And the person you are speaking with can experience you for himself, with his own eyes. The bottom line is that if someone is “a match” and it flows, and things align, you’ll both know that. Nearly every person tells how much younger they feel and are – and that’s great! But we must be in reality and go with the flow of life that all is as it should be and when it’s right, believe me, it will flow. Be unattached and enjoy the process.
I’m dating two men and I like them both. How and when do I choose one?
Check to see if you: 1) are attracted to them, 2) like their personality (are you inspired, how do you feel when you’re with them), and 3) share vision, values and goals. When you say you like them, what does that mean? If the questions above line up, then you date and have meaningful conversations about “who you are,” always learning more. Are they marriage-minded? Have you talked about your vision? Do you feel your emotional needs being met? Having a nice pipeline is key and dating someone with whom you feel things line up is great. You’ll both communicate about when you want to be exclusive.
At what point do you exchange phone numbers if you are meeting people online? Is there a “right” time?
Once you email someone and they respond and it sounds good, get to a phone call right away (i.e., let’s speak on the phone). And in that phone call, see if it flows. If it does, meet for coffee. It’s a rhythm and a process… Fill your pipeline, meet for coffee. If, on a coffee date, 1) you’re attracted to him, 2) you like his personality (do you feel inspired when you spend time with him), and 3) share vision, values/goals, then meet again. If not, end with clarity so he can find his one and you, yours. You’re not looking for a lot of second dates, you’re looking for the one and dating is a numbers game, so enjoy and have fun!
I just got back from a date with a guy I met online and it seemed we were a great fit. In his answer to my question about where he sees himself in 5 years, there was nothing about marriage or kids. When he asked me, I mentioned marriage and kids. He’d been online previously, but thinks that meeting people offline works better for him. We went Dutch on the check and he didn’t open the door for me as we were leaving. We left with him saying “We’ll be in touch” and he texted after that he had a good time. I couldn’t find a non-awkward way of saying I don’t think we’re a good fit because he seemed so platonic. I don’t normally like to end things over text, but not sure there’s anything else to say. Should I let things rest where they are, but I know this isn’t the clear closure approach.
Say thank you, but I’m afraid we’re not a match. I wish you well in your search. A text is fine and I wouldn’t give it much thought.
One of my needs is that my wife should come from a tight-knit family. It’s very important to me that I can spend time with my beloved’s extended family. But then I face a dilemma. My job requires me to stay in Los Angeles. I have great opportunities here and if I were to move, I’d lose a great paying job and countless opportunities. Furthermore, moving to Los Angeles is one of my greatest achievements. I always dreamed of living here. My family and peers made fun of me telling me “it’s all a dream” and yet here I am. I have come across many women who would not consider relocating due to their family. On one hand I admire that, but on the other hand, I’m torn between what I absolutely love and what I would like in a family. What do I do?
Be open to the miracle of providence. Imagine your amazing wife will be aligned and want to (or will already) live in Los Angeles! Imagine she’s someone who totally “gets” you, regardless of her situation. She’s healthy and ready. Imagine it! Be open in your mindset and your searching. Do it with delight. If you haven’t met someone you think might be the one where you need to work through relocation issues, don’t worry about it in advance. Instead, focus on keeping a positive mindset and taking committed action. Stay present and allow your dating experiences to unfold. Don’t “awful-ize” and “future-ize.” When you meet the right one, it will feel right and wonderful – you’ll know that the person is right and the situation will be workable. Have you met someone you think might be the one where you need to consider relocation? If not, stay present and simply allow your dating experiences to unfold.
Do you recommend responding to all online dating emails even if you know you’re not interested? I used to do that, but then I wondered if the kinder approach would just be to ignore them, since responding even with just “thank you” to a compliment seems to invite continued communication, to which I feel I have to follow-up to tell them I’m not interested. Not responding feels rude, though.
It’s totally optional and not necessary to reply to online dating emails. It’s implied when you don’t respond that you’re not interested. If you did want to send a “Thanks, but no thanks” you’re also not obligated to get into why you’re not interested. Remember the stats: Send 30 emails and get three responses. It’s a numbers game! Do you really need to or want to receive polite “No thank you’s” or would you rather just hear from the ones who say Yes? We really only care about the Yes’s, not about the other options (dating someone, not interested, not attracted, not active or not something else).
I met someone on JDate when I was in Los Angeles. We went out six times, had fun and a great connection. It was the best date I’ve had in over a year. I’ve been home a week and we’ve been speaking and texting daily, but then he dropped the ball. At this point, I immediately say to myself “It’s over.” I thought he really liked me, but now I don’t think he’s serious. When I wrote him on JDate, he replied that he really liked me and would love to meet, but he’s not sure he’s marriage-minded right now, but that he’s open to possibilities. I don’t know what that means, exactly. Should I call or wait to hear from him? I feel I give men power by being passive.
He pretty much told you where he’s at. He was very clear that he’s not looking to get married and he’s happy to text, date casually and enjoy your company. This isn’t Sex and The City where we try and figure out what things mean. You said it “Great connection. Had fun. Similar interests” aren’t things we look for in Meet to Marry dating. That’s more like chemical attraction dating, which is fine, but it’s a different paradigm. We learn the 3 things to look for when dating to marry and similar interests aren’t part of the equation because at the end of the day, what matters most is alignment, integrity, and meeting each other’s emotional needs. It’s great you had a nice time, but it sounds like there was some expectation or attachment on your end. It’s important to keep your pipeline full and your energy open so miracles can occur. As soon as you can show up as real – genuinely real – not trying so hard and not “being passive” but rather fully vulnerable, using clear communication and stating preferences like “I prefer to speak on the phone”, asking questions and being real – I guarantee your experience will drastically change. Being real is an inner knowing – at the highest vibration level you know who you are and your value. I’d check in about your old story and see how “I’m not important” could be running the “passive” way that causes you to feel confused about men and your passive approach to see how you might be unknowingly creating more of “I’m not important.” Sometimes we need to look more closely at what’s going on under the surface. What’s happening on the outside is often a reflection of our deepest fears and blind spots. I’d give it another take – look at your reality check and understand how what you’re telling yourself is not allowing you to be fully you – and take the opportunity to forgive, accept, understand and have empathy. Then when you do, providence will work for you.
What is the best way to practice not being attached to outcome, especially when you like someone a lot?
There’s a saying that attachment is the enemy of happiness, and it’s so true. If we’re attached to a result, we have an expectation. We want something to go our way (the result in this case), we want someone to like us back. And if they don’t, unconsciously our blind spot kicks in with something like “I’m not important” and we once again feel unimportant, like something is wrong with us, etc). That’s the mechanism. It’s unconscious, low vibration and not powerful. We’re wounded again and don’t know why. It’s saying that our value is tied to someone else and what they think or do. And that leaves us feeling powerless.
To practice being unattached is to be grounded and present to your value, regardless of what else is going on. To know that life holds no guarantees. It’s practicing healthy, awake thinking, excited and committed to your vision and open to life’s possibilities! It’s “being the one” and knowing that our value is not tied to other people’s approval. It’s parenting ourselves. It’s great to be excited about something, but knowing that everything in life has its own timing and flow. In short, it’s having a healthy sense of self-knowing that you are amazing as you are – and nothing has to happen to validate you. We’re adults and can adjust our attitudes, and our attitudes are what color our reality.
When we adjust our attitude, things flow and miracles happen. It’s being present and really grounded. Here’s the thinking. I like this person because _____ (everything flowed, he met my emotional needs, etc.) and if things line up, great. But if he is not marriage-minded, and things don’t work out, that’s totally fine because I’m committed to building a life with the right person who is ready now, who has integrity, and with whom everything flows. When I read my empowering statement, I can visualize the future. As a healthy thinker I “go with the flow of life” and really see things and people as they are.
Reading your Empowering Statement, doing the Mirror Exercise, expressing what’s true for you and being vulnerable are all tools for detachment. And, of course, Challenge Your Thinking is the “big kahuna.” You’ll discover what you’re telling yourself about what you’re worried about if he’s not the one.
What about calling men back when they say they will call and they don’t (we’ve never met, just emailed on the dating site and they said they’d call). This has happened three times this week. The guy says he will call that evening and no call. Or we text for a few minutes and seem to have a nice rapport, and then I never hear from him again. Not sure whether to just let it drift away or to write a message just saying hello again and suggesting we speak on the phone.
I say: No rules. I recommend having a full pipeline and if you think you’d like to speak with someone, send him a quick message without any attachment and keep moving. What I can promise you is that right one will surface whether it’s you reminding him or he calls at a later time. If you’re just texting and haven’t spoken, there’s not enough there to know yet. So keep your beautiful and unattached heart open for the right one (and at the same time, no bending over backwards or giving everyone the benefit of the doubt!) because with the right one, it will flow. I guarantee it!
I went out with someone a few months ago three times. Although he seemed to have qualities that I want and liked, something was not sitting right with me. Since he was from out of town I agreed to let him keep in touch with me, and I made it clear to him I was continuing to date other people. In the interim I found out that he was dishonest and I told him I didn’t want to continue speaking. I was approached by a friend of mine who asked me if I would go out with him again. When I told my friend that he isn’t what I’m looking for, she asked me if I would reconsider. I was very hurt by the comment because I was giving her reasons why I should never date him and she was asking me to overlook them. The situation made me doubt my dating decisions. Am I holding onto needs that are impossible to be met? Am I expecting too much?
Your friends mean well. However, you have the wisdom, knowledge and education to tell if someone is right for you. If you’re not feeling your emotional needs being met and something is bothering you, then you need to honor that. If he were the one for you, it would just flow, you’d be super excited, and you would have closed off all other options. With that being said I would say that it’s not a fit and move on. Come from a position of clarity and choice, knowing that everything will flow when it’s right.
I need support in considering dating men I already know from the community and a specific situation where a Rabbi recommended a particular man. The man told the Rabbi he would want it to come from me, but I do not want to be aggressive. I would give it a try, but feel it should come from the guy. I did go over to him several times, but he did not ask me out. It’s hard for me to flirt in a fake way if it’s not naturally flowing.
1) No games. You choose who you’d like to go with. Be in the driver’s seat. Take each person and situation as it comes. It sounds like this guy has no interest in going out. If he did, he’d have asked you out. Move on. Don’t waste any more energy on him!
2) Be yourself, always. Being authentic, open and curious is not being aggressive. I’d give up on worrying about being aggressive – it’s not our paradigm. It sounds like something you heard, like a story from the past that if you express yourself, you’re being aggressive, and it’s just not true. Aggression is forceful and negative. It’s different than simply being yourself and inviting someone to have a conversation with you on the phone or over coffee. The most attractive way to be is to be straight and the healthy way thing to do is to OWN your vision and allow it propel you without being attached to results. You just need one. Remember, you are important and you can choose to express yourself in any way you’d like. Your value and worth as a human being is not in the hands of others – it’s in your hands. Don’t ever give that away. Be the one to find the one.
3) Flirting = games. No games, no phoniness, EVER. Don’t do it – just be yourself. I never speak about “flirting.” It’s not authentic. Again, see #2. You are important. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
4) You’re not looking for a lot of second dates, you’re looking for the one. That means: For all possible dates, ask yourself the following screening questions: Am I attracted to him? (yes or no), Is he marriage minded? (you’ll know by sharing your vision and asking him his vision in a very authentic way). “I’ve spent a great deal of time on my career – and I’m passionate about X, Y and Z and I’m really excited and focused on meeting the one for me. It’s so exciting and I’m ready – how about you?” Then if it sounds good, go out, if not, don’t.
5) You don’t have to swing at every pitch. Just because a Rabbi or anyone else makes a suggestion, doesn’t mean it’s right for you. It may be, for sure, but you need to ask questions. It’s your job to ask: Rabbi, what makes you think he’ll be good for me? If he says, he’s a nice guy and makes a lot of money and he seems to be a mensch, that’s nice and it’s your job to be in the driver’s seat of your dating and have a phone conversation with the person. If it sounds good, go for coffee. If not – next!
6) Share your specific, complete vision with others so they can make good matches – no mystery dating. Share WHO you are, what your vision is, how you want to feel, what’s most important in WHO the person is, and the very specific situation you are looking for.
I recommend doing a Challenge Your Thinking process every time you feel unclear. Don’t give away your power and feel like you have to retreat. All of this is about what you’re telling yourself. Your blind spot is that your wounded inner child is worried that she’s not important enough to express herself. And if she does express herself, she’s “aggressive” and wrong. That is the key to the chuppah. Own that, and you’ll find your guy soon!
Is there a chance that a man who is feeling post-divorce sadness after having been divorced for a year and a half is emotionally available? Can dating be part of the healing?
The only way to know is to talk to him and see where he’s holding the sadness. We know that we all need to have the inner space for love to thrive. Does he have support? It’s his job to “get complete” and move on with his life powerfully. Have meaningful conversations with him and find out.
I’ve gone out with a guy about eight times. I like him and the feeling is mutual. When I look at my core needs, I see that some of them (like feeling cherished) aren’t being met yet even though he’s a very caring, self-aware, marriage-minded guy. I wonder where to go with this. Also, how do I reconcile that others aren’t responsible for how I feel, yet express that I want someone else to care about me so that I feel cherished? I also notice that the longer I date someone, I get very anxious that maybe he’s not the “One” and I’m making a mistake, and then I start to almost look for problems. I feel too focused on it. I know I need to do radical self-love when I feel so vulnerable and scared, but I also fear my anxiety could drive him away.
It comes down to taking responsibility for your own needs and approaching dating from a mature and powerful place, “Being the one” for ourselves. We each need to be able to manage our own anxiety and take responsibility for it. It comes down to our blind spot and what we’re telling ourselves. If we’re carrying fear and primal childhood needs into our dating – looking for someone to validate and fix us (Are you Daddy? Does he remind you of Daddy?) then there’s not a lot of space for healthy encounters. If your inner child is crying out for love and validation, you need to nurture her. If not, you’re projecting all of your fears onto someone as you’re describing, and it makes it really difficult to have clarity. That’s not a powerful foundation – it doesn’t give you space to show up as a grown woman. When we’re not free and clear, we’re looking to be saved. So take a step back and get back to basics. I recommend that you take ownership of your anxiety — nurturing your inner child by using the tools–the mirror exercise, owning your vision by getting clear from your New Empowering Statement and of course Challenging Your Thinking. Doing so will allow you to be grounded. If you’re dating like a little girl with your inner child crying out, you won’t be able to think clearly and you’ll suffer, project, feel confused, etc. You won’t be able to “see him” and make clear choices about the match.
You are responsible to meet your own emotional needs first. As you get yourself grounded, ask yourself questions like 1) Am I attracted? 2) Do I like his personality? Am I inspired by how I feel with him? 3) Do our vision, values and goals line up? As long as the space is filled with “little girl” blind-spot stuff, you’ll feel confused. But the wonderful and exciting news is that we can all DISTINGUISH the difference and get back to radical self-love and truly rational thinking. You have the tools, it’s just about keeping the healthy conversation alive, hour-by-hour, and stretching the muscle of “being the one.”