Module 7 Dating Camp Library

Yes, of course you can cancel a date! Be sure to communicate with the person with full integrity. Your time is yours and if the person is not for you, you are giving him or her a gift by cancelling.

You can say: “Joe, I know we have a date set up for tomorrow, but after reflecting more fully on our interactions, it’s become clear to me that some very important things don’t line up for me, so I’m going to cancel our date and wish you all the best on your journey.” If he argues or tries to change your mind, let him know you are clear and your mind is made up. And because you value him and his time, you don’t want to waste his or yours. Don’t get sucked in by the “musts,” obligations and people-pleasing. It’s your life and your time, and you’re an adult – follow you heart and intuition.

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I’d recommend mixing it up, but at the same time, get clear. It sounds like he looks good on paper. Is he really into you? When you’re “dating” someone for more than a date or two, you should be pretty excited to see the person. If not, I’d focus on getting clear about either leaning in to date seriously to see if he’s the one, or moving on. When it’s right, you know and you both feel excited about it and there are no “shoulds.” If you don’t feel like he’s the one for any reason, move on! And, I’ve had clients who are now married, but they almost rejected the person they are now married to out of fear (their blind spot – maybe there’s someone better, etc.). So, ask yourself the questions: 1) Am I attracted to him? 2) Do I like his personality (how does it feel, are you inspired). 3) Do we share the same vision, values and goals?

If yes, great! And if you’re just not feeling it, that’s great too. I met a lot of really terrific people after my transformation, but I didn’t answer yes to those 3 questions. There was nothing wrong with them, but there were things about lifestyle or worldview that didn’t line up or I wasn’t inspired. For example, I envisioned having a husband who would work with me in life and business, and someone who would be “cool” yet sensitive. And one ordinary day, my husband in cowboy boots, baggy pants and long, curly hair, who was warm and wonderful, stepped into my life. And he was late! And it flowed and we saw a life together, and nothing was perfect, but we were perfect for each other. So I’m happy to help you come to a conclusion if you’d like to talk it through. Sometimes someone is really, really great, but not great for you. And sometimes the person really is great, but we have fear of saying yes. When you do choose, you want to lean in fully.

Unfortunately, it is what it is. He’s at the stage where he’s at and his actions are telling you that he can’t give more. He’s simply not where you are. You’re feeling lost and wounded because your blind spot is “I’m not important.” You know it intellectually and now you really need to nurture yourself and don’t make yourself wrong. Be clear with him. You told him what you need, how being together could enhance both of your lives, and now he needs to step up. If he’s not, he’s not. Get super clear that he can’t and doesn’t meet your emotional needs of feeling safe and connected. Here you are totally free, mobile, available and not tied down. You can go anywhere and do anything. You are unencumbered and willing to be a step mom. He is encumbered and isn’t ready for partnership. So yes, truly move on. Find a man who will make you feel important – they are out there! I’d communicate about how this makes you feel, and what you’re up for and what you’re not, and close that door. If he’s ever ready, he should call you and you’ll be all in. You know your position – you’re looking for a real partner who is available now. He seems not to be, and that’s okay. Go for what you want. Search in Los Angeles, New York and any other place you’d consider. The hidden gems are out there!

Focus your energy on new dates and new people who are ready. If he calls you, fine, and your position is that you’re ready – you feel a great connection, that you’re alike, etc., and should he choose to make space in his life for the most amazing woman he’ll ever meet, you’d love to hear from him. Until then, detach from him. See that he’d reinforce your blind spot. Find a guy whose kids are grown and can travel with you (as an example) or a guy who clearly communicates that he’s looking for his wife and a great step mom for his kids. People tell you exactly what’s up and he was totally clear in actions and words. I’m certain you can find your best friend and partner by meeting a lot of people.

No, expand your reach by one geographic region at a time – you’ll be surprised how many people are willing to relocate or are in the process of moving to your area. I wouldn’t take a break – I’d keep an eye on new people, and expand your search. What are you searching on? Sometimes people use search parameters that are too narrow and it seems like you’ve reached out to everyone, but you really haven’t. It was only when I opened up my search that I met Michael. I was having a great time meeting a lot of people and going on a lot of first dates. Success is a mindset. It’s a combination of going to events, trying different dating sites, and being open and clear about your vision – that’s a recipe for success.

It takes stretching that muscle of courage and stepping into your big vision. If you’re fearful and not excited, it’s because your Old Story is alive and well and your inner child is running the fear show. What is there to be afraid of? Do you need “fear” to protect you from something? Fear tries to protect you – like when a lion is chasing you. But is that happening now? I recommend getting back to basics: The Mirror Exercise, reading your New Empowering Statement and a lot of Challenging Your Thinking.

I’m sorry you’re feeling insecure. I see it this way: Yay! You get to move on and find your one. Woo-hoo! Has anything changed about how awesome you are? How ready you are? Dating in an inspired way is about being in the driver’s seat and choosing if you want to go out a second time after meeting someone. You don’t want to go on a lot of second dates! You’re looking for the one. And if you do go out a second time, you don’t want to be attached. You’re just learning about what the other person is about and if it’s a fit. Nothing else. You want to create a situation for yourself where you have a full pipeline and without attachment to each person – rather, be committed to your vision.

Remember, this isn’t about just going out to have a nice time with nice people. This is asking how you feel when you’re with someone, if you’re attracted to them and if you share vision, values or goals. If not – Next! If they disappeared, it wasn’t real to them and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. You’re just getting your feet wet. Get back to basics. Get complete, get committed to your vision, do a Challenging Your Thinking exercise to understand what you’re telling yourself about why they disappeared, etc. Keep going! You’ve only just begun and one ordinary day… you’ll meet your one.

You allow things to unfold in the conversation. And when children come up you share your vision and your situation. It could be a very natural conversation. It’s not about compromising what you want. It’s about finding someone with whom things line up. A person won’t be marrying you for your “egg quality,” they’ll be marrying you for you! And you’ll both share a vision for children and go from there. You share what you’re about and your vision for an amazing husband, family and children. Then, in a very healthy and natural way, you ask the person about their vision and see what they say. LISTEN carefully. If they are about that too, then you can organically share that since it’s so important to you, you took action and froze some eggs – so you’re covered when you find “the one.” However, with that being said, I don’t believe you need to “sell” your youth or try to convince someone that your chronological age is not your chronological age, because it is, for everyone. And the person you are speaking with can experience you for himself, with his own eyes. The bottom line is that if someone is “a match” and it flows, and things align, you’ll both know that. Nearly every person tells how much younger they feel and are – and that’s great! But we must be in reality and go with the flow of life that all is as it should be and when it’s right, believe me, it will flow. Be unattached and enjoy the process.

Check to see if you: 1) are attracted to them, 2) like their personality (are you inspired, how do you feel when you’re with them), and 3) share vision, values and goals. When you say you like them, what does that mean? If the questions above line up, then you date and have meaningful conversations about “who you are,” always learning more. Are they marriage-minded? Have you talked about your vision? Do you feel your emotional needs being met? Having a nice pipeline is key and dating someone with whom you feel things line up is great. You’ll both communicate about when you want to be exclusive.

Once you email someone and they respond and it sounds good, get to a phone call right away (i.e., let’s speak on the phone). And in that phone call, see if it flows. If it does, meet for coffee. It’s a rhythm and a process… Fill your pipeline, meet for coffee. If, on a coffee date, 1) you’re attracted to him, 2) you like his personality (do you feel inspired when you spend time with him), and 3) share vision, values/goals, then meet again. If not, end with clarity so he can find his one and you, yours. You’re not looking for a lot of second dates, you’re looking for the one and dating is a numbers game, so enjoy and have fun!

Say thank you, but I’m afraid we’re not a match. I wish you well in your search. A text is fine and I wouldn’t give it much thought.

Be open to the miracle of providence. Imagine your amazing wife will be aligned and want to (or will already) live in Los Angeles! Imagine she’s someone who totally “gets” you, regardless of her situation. She’s healthy and ready. Imagine it! Be open in your mindset and your searching. Do it with delight. If you haven’t met someone you think might be the one where you need to work through relocation issues, don’t worry about it in advance. Instead, focus on keeping a positive mindset and taking committed action. Stay present and allow your dating experiences to unfold. Don’t “awful-ize” and “future-ize.” When you meet the right one, it will feel right and wonderful – you’ll know that the person is right and the situation will be workable. Have you met someone you think might be the one where you need to consider relocation? If not, stay present and simply allow your dating experiences to unfold.

It’s totally optional and not necessary to reply to online dating emails. It’s implied when you don’t respond that you’re not interested. If you did want to send a “Thanks, but no thanks” you’re also not obligated to get into why you’re not interested. Remember the stats: Send 30 emails and get three responses. It’s a numbers game! Do you really need to or want to receive polite “No thank you’s” or would you rather just hear from the ones who say Yes? We really only care about the Yes’s, not about the other options (dating someone, not interested, not attracted, not active or not something else).

He pretty much told you where he’s at. He was very clear that he’s not looking to get married and he’s happy to text, date casually and enjoy your company. This isn’t Sex and The City where we try and figure out what things mean. You said it “Great connection. Had fun. Similar interests” aren’t things we look for in Meet to Marry dating. That’s more like chemical attraction dating, which is fine, but it’s a different paradigm. We learn the 3 things to look for when dating to marry and similar interests aren’t part of the equation because at the end of the day, what matters most is alignment, integrity, and meeting each other’s emotional needs. It’s great you had a nice time, but it sounds like there was some expectation or attachment on your end. It’s important to keep your pipeline full and your energy open so miracles can occur. As soon as you can show up as real – genuinely real – not trying so hard and not “being passive” but rather fully vulnerable, using clear communication and stating preferences like “I prefer to speak on the phone”, asking questions and being real – I guarantee your experience will drastically change. Being real is an inner knowing – at the highest vibration level you know who you are and your value. I’d check in about your old story and see how “I’m not important” could be running the “passive” way that causes you to feel confused about men and your passive approach to see how you might be unknowingly creating more of “I’m not important.” Sometimes we need to look more closely at what’s going on under the surface. What’s happening on the outside is often a reflection of our deepest fears and blind spots. I’d give it another take – look at your reality check and understand how what you’re telling yourself is not allowing you to be fully you – and take the opportunity to forgive, accept, understand and have empathy. Then when you do, providence will work for you.

There’s a saying that attachment is the enemy of happiness, and it’s so true. If we’re attached to a result, we have an expectation. We want something to go our way (the result in this case), we want someone to like us back. And if they don’t, unconsciously our blind spot kicks in with something like “I’m not important” and we once again feel unimportant, like something is wrong with us, etc). That’s the mechanism. It’s unconscious, low vibration and not powerful. We’re wounded again and don’t know why. It’s saying that our value is tied to someone else and what they think or do. And that leaves us feeling powerless.

To practice being unattached is to be grounded and present to your value, regardless of what else is going on. To know that life holds no guarantees. It’s practicing healthy, awake thinking, excited and committed to your vision and open to life’s possibilities! It’s “being the one” and knowing that our value is not tied to other people’s approval. It’s parenting ourselves. It’s great to be excited about something, but knowing that everything in life has its own timing and flow. In short, it’s having a healthy sense of self-knowing that you are amazing as you are – and nothing has to happen to validate you. We’re adults and can adjust our attitudes, and our attitudes are what color our reality.

When we adjust our attitude, things flow and miracles happen. It’s being present and really grounded. Here’s the thinking. I like this person because _____ (everything flowed, he met my emotional needs, etc.) and if things line up, great. But if he is not marriage-minded, and things don’t work out, that’s totally fine because I’m committed to building a life with the right person who is ready now, who has integrity, and with whom everything flows. When I read my empowering statement, I can visualize the future. As a healthy thinker I “go with the flow of life” and really see things and people as they are.

Reading your Empowering Statement, doing the Mirror Exercise, expressing what’s true for you and being vulnerable are all tools for detachment. And, of course, Challenge Your Thinking is the “big kahuna.” You’ll discover what you’re telling yourself about what you’re worried about if he’s not the one.

I say: No rules. I recommend having a full pipeline and if you think you’d like to speak with someone, send him a quick message without any attachment and keep moving. What I can promise you is that right one will surface whether it’s you reminding him or he calls at a later time. If you’re just texting and haven’t spoken, there’s not enough there to know yet. So keep your beautiful and unattached heart open for the right one (and at the same time, no bending over backwards or giving everyone the benefit of the doubt!) because with the right one, it will flow. I guarantee it!

Your friends mean well. However, you have the wisdom, knowledge and education to tell if someone is right for you. If you’re not feeling your emotional needs being met and something is bothering you, then you need to honor that. If he were the one for you, it would just flow, you’d be super excited, and you would have closed off all other options. With that being said I would say that it’s not a fit and move on. Come from a position of clarity and choice, knowing that everything will flow when it’s right.

1) No games. You choose who you’d like to go with. Be in the driver’s seat. Take each person and situation as it comes. It sounds like this guy has no interest in going out. If he did, he’d have asked you out. Move on. Don’t waste any more energy on him!

2) Be yourself, always. Being authentic, open and curious is not being aggressive. I’d give up on worrying about being aggressive – it’s not our paradigm. It sounds like something you heard, like a story from the past that if you express yourself, you’re being aggressive, and it’s just not true. Aggression is forceful and negative. It’s different than simply being yourself and inviting someone to have a conversation with you on the phone or over coffee. The most attractive way to be is to be straight and the healthy way thing to do is to OWN your vision and allow it propel you without being attached to results. You just need one. Remember, you are important and you can choose to express yourself in any way you’d like. Your value and worth as a human being is not in the hands of others – it’s in your hands. Don’t ever give that away. Be the one to find the one.

3) Flirting = games. No games, no phoniness, EVER. Don’t do it – just be yourself. I never speak about “flirting.” It’s not authentic. Again, see #2. You are important. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

4) You’re not looking for a lot of second dates, you’re looking for the one. That means: For all possible dates, ask yourself the following screening questions: Am I attracted to him? (yes or no), Is he marriage minded? (you’ll know by sharing your vision and asking him his vision in a very authentic way). “I’ve spent a great deal of time on my career – and I’m passionate about X, Y and Z and I’m really excited and focused on meeting the one for me. It’s so exciting and I’m ready – how about you?” Then if it sounds good, go out, if not, don’t.

5) You don’t have to swing at every pitch. Just because a Rabbi or anyone else makes a suggestion, doesn’t mean it’s right for you. It may be, for sure, but you need to ask questions. It’s your job to ask: Rabbi, what makes you think he’ll be good for me? If he says, he’s a nice guy and makes a lot of money and he seems to be a mensch, that’s nice and it’s your job to be in the driver’s seat of your dating and have a phone conversation with the person. If it sounds good, go for coffee. If not – next!

6) Share your specific, complete vision with others so they can make good matches – no mystery dating. Share WHO you are, what your vision is, how you want to feel, what’s most important in WHO the person is, and the very specific situation you are looking for.

I recommend doing a Challenge Your Thinking process every time you feel unclear. Don’t give away your power and feel like you have to retreat. All of this is about what you’re telling yourself. Your blind spot is that your wounded inner child is worried that she’s not important enough to express herself. And if she does express herself, she’s “aggressive” and wrong. That is the key to the chuppah. Own that, and you’ll find your guy soon!

The only way to know is to talk to him and see where he’s holding the sadness. We know that we all need to have the inner space for love to thrive. Does he have support? It’s his job to “get complete” and move on with his life powerfully. Have meaningful conversations with him and find out.

It comes down to taking responsibility for your own needs and approaching dating from a mature and powerful place, “Being the one” for ourselves. We each need to be able to manage our own anxiety and take responsibility for it. It comes down to our blind spot and what we’re telling ourselves. If we’re carrying fear and primal childhood needs into our dating – looking for someone to validate and fix us (Are you Daddy? Does he remind you of Daddy?) then there’s not a lot of space for healthy encounters. If your inner child is crying out for love and validation, you need to nurture her. If not, you’re projecting all of your fears onto someone as you’re describing, and it makes it really difficult to have clarity. That’s not a powerful foundation – it doesn’t give you space to show up as a grown woman. When we’re not free and clear, we’re looking to be saved. So take a step back and get back to basics. I recommend that you take ownership of your anxiety — nurturing your inner child by using the tools–the mirror exercise, owning your vision by getting clear from your New Empowering Statement and of course Challenging Your Thinking. Doing so will allow you to be grounded. If you’re dating like a little girl with your inner child crying out, you won’t be able to think clearly and you’ll suffer, project, feel confused, etc. You won’t be able to “see him” and make clear choices about the match.

You are responsible to meet your own emotional needs first. As you get yourself grounded, ask yourself questions like 1) Am I attracted? 2) Do I like his personality? Am I inspired by how I feel with him? 3) Do our vision, values and goals line up? As long as the space is filled with “little girl” blind-spot stuff, you’ll feel confused. But the wonderful and exciting news is that we can all DISTINGUISH the difference and get back to radical self-love and truly rational thinking. You have the tools, it’s just about keeping the healthy conversation alive, hour-by-hour, and stretching the muscle of “being the one.”